


hte fukcing babies

by theblackempress



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Egg Laying, Eggs, F/M, I'm so sorry, Mpreg, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-20
Updated: 2015-01-20
Packaged: 2018-03-08 08:25:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3202376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theblackempress/pseuds/theblackempress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nepeta and Eridan have all of the babies.</p><p>This fic is totally serious. *sarcasm*</p>
            </blockquote>





	hte fukcing babies

**Author's Note:**

> i am so very sorry. i did this on a dare.  
> it is in no way supposed to be serious
> 
> dedicated to my friend katie

Nepeta sat in her hive, sprawled out on Equius' lap. Equius was braiding her hair delicately and Nepeta was checking her messages on her phone. Her new matesprit, Eridan, was pestering her for some reason or another.

 

> CA: nep nep c'mon girl answwer me  
>  CA: nepeta you're a buzzkill pick up the goddamn phone
> 
> \- arsenicCatnip joined chat-
> 
> CA: there you are!  
>  CA: wwhat the fuck is going on?  
>  AC: :33 < i could ask the same thing about mew  
>  CA: ok wwhatevver  
>  CA: you free?  
>  CA: like, right noww?  
>  AC: :33 < uh not exactly  
>  AC: :33 < i can't always cater to your e-furr-y whim all the time  
>  CA: but it's an emergency  
>  AC: :33 < how bad?  
>  CA: i dunno but i feel like i'm going to fuckin explode and i can't movve  
>  AC: :33 < where are mew right now?  
>  CA: on my floor  
>  AC: :33 < you can't even get up, huh?  
>  CA: no  
>  AC: :33 < so, you need my help?  
>  CA: uh-huh  
>  AC: :33 < i'll be o-fur as fast as i can

"Equius, we're going on a road trip!" Nepeta declared, jumping out of Equius' lap. Her braid came undone as she stood up.

"Whatever is the matter, dearest?" Equius asked, putting a hand on his moirail's shoulder.

She showed him the messages. "Eridan is in trouble. It seems real bad," Nepeta explained.

"A-Alright then," Equius mumbled as Nepeta pulled him out of her hive as she screamed a battlecry, running off in the direction of the seadweller's residence.

* * *

 

Nepeta jiggled the doorknob a few times. "Urgh, I left my spare key at home. Mind breaking in?" She asked, looking up at Equius with wide eyes. "Pleeeeease? Eridan won't care! I  _purr_ omise!" _  
_

Equius nodded hesitantly and broke down the door. Nepeta ran in, calling Eridan's name. Her only response was a groan coming from the seadweller's respiteblock. Eridan was lying down on the ground, curled up in pain. She knelt down beside him and papped his shoulder.

"Eri? Eridan, what's wrong?" Nepeta asked. Eridan shot her a glare, and then groaned again.

"My tummy hurts..." Eridan mumbled, rolling on his back. He clutched his stomach, which was bloated from his natural chubbiness. "I can't move and everythin' hurts..."

"Don't be silly! Get up, you butt!" Nepeta giggled, shoving her matesprit's arm. "You can do it." Eridan gave another groan, this one filled with pain.

Equius stopped Nepeta. "He looks like he is in dire pain. Highblood, what exactly are you feeling right now?" He asked, stroking Eridan's hair comfortingly.

"I feel like I have to take the world's biggest dump," Eridan complained. "Cease touchin' me, alright?"

"I apologize, highblood." He checked Eridan over and gave an awkward laugh. "Nepeta... May I ask you a question?"

"Yeah, of course," the oliveblood replied, eyes wide.

"Did you have sex with Eridan?"

"My sexual ex _purr_ iences are none of your business, mister!" Nepeta declared, crossing her arms.

"I ask because it seems Eridan is with child and he's in labour."

"What?" Nepeta asked.

Equius rolled his eyes. "Your matesprit is having eggs."

"What?" She repeated.

"You're going to be a mother," Equius said.

"Yeah you lost me," Nepeta said.

"Whoa whoa whoa," Eridan interrupted. "Are you tellin' me this pain is caused by a bunch of fuckin' grubs inside me?"

Equius nodded. "Affirmative." He looked at Eridan worriedly. "Now, Ampora, how long has the pain been going on for?"

"How the hell do you know what to do?" Nepeta asked. Her moirail ignored her.

Eridan shrugged. "All fuckin' day and she hasn't been answerin' me."

"Ah, alright. Erm... The pain has been getting increasingly worse, yes?" Eridan nodded, and Equius sighed. "There's no time to move you to a hospital. I think we should start right now. Nepeta, get some blankets, a few pillows, and a plastic box. No cardboard!"

"What the hell are you gonna-?" Eridan started. Equius began to unbuckle the belt strapped around Eridan's skinny jeans. "Hey, I said no touchin'!"

"The eggs are not going to magically phase through your pants," Equius explained. He recoiled in disgust at the sight of Eridan's underwear. The sight was so... lewd... Nepeta had come back with an armful of blankets and towels, and some pillows in a large plastic storage tub. "Ah, perfect!"

"Dude I was gonna put my 12th Perigree decorations in there. What are you doin'?" Eridan asked as Equius propped him up with a few pillows.

"Nepeta, do you mind removing Eridan's underwear? I wish not to touch them," Equius said.

Nepeta did as said, and Equius draped a blanket over Eridan's legs. The seadweller gave a moan of pain, and Nepeta papped him on the head. Equius slid the tub near Eridan's feet. "Now, Nep, when the eggs come, place them in the container."

Eridan gave a twitch of pain, squeezing his violet eyes shut. "C'mon, please be a fuckin' dream... Please be a fuckin' dream and end all this pain..."

Equius walked over to Eridan's bathroom and doused a hand towel with water. He came back to the sound of Eridan screaming and the sight of Nepeta holding an olive-coloured egg in her hand. There was some sort of liquidy gooey matter by Eridan's feet.

"Put the jello in the tub, alright?" Equius explained. He sat down beside Eridan and placed the towel on his head. "Alright, highblood, calm down. It's going to be alright. Just breathe."

"You still haven't answered me about how you know this stuff," Nepeta complained. Equius didn't answer her and continued to comfort Eridan, but it didn't seem to help. Eridan's screams grew louder and louder, and another egg slid out of his nether areas. "This is really really gross. Eugh!"

"These are your children. Of course they'd be gross," Equius laughed. Nepeta placed the other egg in the container.

Eridan gave out a screech and the final egg popped out. The deed was done.

"I hate you, Nepeta."


End file.
